It actually appears to be a pleasant autumn day; something this city has not seen for weeks. ( Or so it seems!)
For a time, there seemed to be a shortage of large, warm sweaters, thick socks; even hot water! The chill in my bones sunk in deep and bitterly; and more often than not, I felt like a walking popsicle, unable to keep the shiver off my spine.
Maybe it is my poor blood circulation. Maybe it’s a wicked case of ‘small veins’. The latter causing my most recent dental experience to be almost unpleasant…
In Canada, it is Thanksgiving weekend. A time most of us might gather with loved ones, and eat turkey, and pie, and wine, and be grateful for warmth and love, and hopefully, an abundance of other things as well.
A perfect time for one to get their wisdom teeth pulled. (*sarcasm*). Admittedly, 30 hours after the removal, I do feel better than I anticipated. (Perhaps it is the three different kinds of medication they gave me..?)
I had decided to go with the IV sedation for the procedure. I thought this was to mean “going under”, and, having seen some ridiculous YouTube clips of people post-operation, I hoped my Mom would keep the camera out of my face.
They tied a rubber elastic uncomfortably tight around my forearm, and jabbed the bend of my elbow several times with the needle. Alas, it appeared my chilled arm had no veins!
A warm cloth, some arm rubbing, and a new location by my wrist, finally brought forth a vein in which I could be sedated.
But again, it was not the, “Now, count backwards from 10” or such, that I had anticipated. Some pills before the IV, and some freezing in the mouth, and they dove in, as I lay there, quite conscious.
It was quick.
It was not horrific. Or traumatic.
In, then out. With my face half full of gauze, an icepack, and a bag of medication, my Mom and I headed out of the office.
Sometimes I wonder: Does anxiety worsen with age?
I find now, seemingly in recent years, I have greater difficulty in just “accepting” whatever it is that is going to happen. I expect things. I anticipate things, and usually unpleasant things.
And perhaps, that is exactly what I was doing as I lay there, yesterday morning, with my arm being jabbed, and my leg vibrating uncontrollably. (Spasm-y leg shaking seems to be a nervous habit of mine. ) I wasn’t consciously expecting something to go terribly wrong, but perhaps somewhere deep down inside of me, something was beginning to bubble up; something awakening that old anxiety feeling…
I hate waiting.
I hate anticipating something that is not of the pleasant persuasion.
Maybe I also hate anticipating something that IS pleasant. Because, what if it is suddenly not to be?
What if my hopes are dashed, and my desires crushed?
I find lately, I have put too much thought and energy into what MIGHT be. Living for a tomorrow I was never promised; instead of the ‘now’, that I know I have.
I really feel God gave me peace this week. Peace with the things I cannot change; peace with the happenings of right now; peace and gratitude for the blessings I have.
I don’t know if I am right or wrong in this, but I feel that Christ ‘speaks’ to us in different ways; Maybe through faint whisperings in our heart and mind; maybe through other people; maybe through signs. I feel, that for myself personally, he sometimes uses signs.
Maybe this is silly. Signs are such a tricky thing; it is much too easy to manipulate signs or pictures or circumstances, to what we want to believe…
I apologize if this is terribly vague.
However something I saw recently, a 2nd curious coincidence, had reminded me that it is good to hope, but that one should not live a life of anxiousness or dread of that hope never coming to be.
We do live for something greater. We are also given Today, and that is quite a blessing in itself, is it not?
I sit here, icepack by my side, jaw a little sore, and the chair feeling a little sideways, but I have lots to be thankful for:
~ for friends and family that love and care for me
~ for a wonderful husband
~ For a God that loves me, and provides for me, and protects me, and answers my unspoken prayers
~ for a warm house, and a place to lay my head
~ for medication! To make this recovering easier
It’s okay that my thanksgiving dinner is limited to mashed potatoes, or that I will have to keep my paws away from the wine. Because today, I Am Blessed.
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