I had a Vision…

I saw a sign…
Suddenly, I just knew –
that was what I had to do.

Have you ever stepped into something new, and knew 100% that was where you were supposed to be? Knew 100% that, that was where God wanted you?

Well, my confession is, I rarely feel 100% sure about anything. I over-analyze and allow myself to become plagued with self-doubt. And I think, God, I know it’s a silly thing to ask, but can you just give me a sign? Something bright and flashy; or even a thumbs up? Because I’m just not… 100% sure…
So I pray and wait. And wait. Until suddenly a deadline in some form forces me to commit, or not commit. I fill in the form; I hit ‘Apply’. I take a deep breath. I wait again. This time though, instead of waiting for the ‘go-ahead’ from God, I am waiting for a sudden and abrupt ‘STOP’ sign.
Nothing happens. Three months later and still nothing. (That is, of the miraculous and unexplained variety, that I sort of mentioned a second ago. Nope. No bright and flashy whatsoever. )
So maybe nothing is a good sign?

I sure hope so.

Now 8 years out of high school,  I have decided to  go back to school. It was an option that had tugged at the back of my brain, on and off, for the past few years, but for what would I go back for?  I requested information packages every year; some were studied almost religiously, others not even opened.
Over the years, I grew to realize I love kids. ( Perhaps largely due to the abundance of awesome nephews and nieces I have!) I love to see them learn and grow;  I enjoy their crazy imaginations and their eagerness to share every discovery.
So, I filled in the form, I hit ‘Apply’. And in the Fall, I will begin the Educational Assistant Program.
I’m excited. I’m scared. And I really hope this is where God wants me to be.



There’s this song that has been played more and more frequently on the radio lately. It wiggles its way into my head, and I can’t help but start dancing. With a name like “Happy”, how could anyone resist?

I guess a part of me is striving for this, as the days grow brighter and warmer. But it is not so much a quest, as it is learning to live a life of renewed perspective; a life of loving the person God made me to be, serving others more, making time for the people and things in my life that truly matter. And I think, happiness is sort of by-product of that.
I don’t really know. I’m just thinking – er, typing – out loud.

What are some things that make you happy?


Over the line

One might associate this with making a foul; doing something wrong. Or perhaps infringing upon someone else’s privacy or boundaries.
But for myself, at least for now anyways, it is stepping over the line. Of my own comfort zone, that is.
As nice and cozy as my bubble might be, it’s not fun. Or exciting. There’s no risks; no challenges. I don’t learn as much, I am less likely to grow into deep, meaningful relationships while inside the bubble.
Maybe it’s different for everyone.
A few years ago, while still young into my journey as a Christian, I had somehow came to the conclusion that, if it scared me, then God must want me to do it.  I think I only applied this ‘philosophy’ to a couple of things in my life, but it is how I ended up taking a single music theory course in college. A course that I figured would set me on track to become a songwriter.
I was nervous to do it. And thus, surely that meant God wanted me to do it. I see now, that my thinking was a little flawed. But I do believe God will encourage and lead us Outside our comfort zones.
My first tendency, when provided the option, is to more often than not, be the hermit. To say ‘No thank-you”, then hide in the house.
The first couple times my husband and I hosted young Adults 2 years ago, I would start to feel anxious; I’m not a people-person! Is my house clean enough? What if they feel awkward? What if I do?
But through it, I met such awesome people and leaders; I grew and was challenged. I developed a desire to know more, to be more, to do more. Such things were not in me when I lived consistently inside my comfort zone.
Recently, I joined a kickboxing class. Living outside the comfort zone.
I smiled and said hello to a stranger walking by. Living outside the comfort zone
I agreed to making and serving soup for newcomers to the church. Living outside the comfort zone.
It’s the little things.
And ever-so-slowly, I see the walls distancing themselves from me. I see those boundaries are a little further away.
But ultimately, I see a God through whom all things are possible.
I just need to
                     Step Over the Line.

The Hard(ly) Working Christian

My husband made a comment the other day, about how some Christians seem to have poor work ethic, when it comes to their (pay-the-bills) job.
I thought about it for a moment, and sure enough, an example I had encountered from my own life came to mind. I recall working at a retail store a few years back. A young fellow was eager to tell me he was a Christian, about youth group and wanting to do mission trips. ( If I am recalling correctly) However, he lacked initiative, and otherwise just didn’t seem to have a clue. Common sense things like, if you don’t know what to do next, ASK. ( I don’t think shyness was an issue here…)
I sincerely hope this is not a real Christian stereotype. While, for sure, our focus should be on kingdom things, and kingdom first living, I don’t think everything else is to be deemed unimportant because it does not affiliate itself with Christianity.
Did that make sense..?
When I know that others at my workplace are aware that I am a Christian, I feel an even greater obligation – and desire – to represent Christ. To be hardworking, honest, non-complaining; to even work the occasional extra hour to make sure the job gets done, or to take a co-worker’s shift.
Forever in my mind is this line: We are ambassadors of Christ. I try to carry this with me wherever I go; whatever I am doing. Definition 3 from freedictionary.com, defines ‘ambassador’ in this way:   An authorized messenger or representative.
I. Represent. Christ.

Well, that can seem a little daunting at times…

Thank God for the Spirit. 😉

Anxiousness and Thankfulness

It actually appears to be a pleasant autumn day; something this city has not seen for weeks. ( Or so it seems!)
For a time, there seemed to be a shortage of large, warm sweaters, thick socks; even hot water! The chill in my bones sunk in deep and bitterly; and more often than not, I felt like a walking popsicle, unable to keep the shiver off my spine.
Maybe it is my poor blood circulation. Maybe it’s a wicked case of ‘small veins’. The latter causing my most recent dental experience to be almost unpleasant…
In Canada, it is Thanksgiving weekend. A time most of us might gather with loved ones, and eat turkey, and pie, and wine, and be grateful for warmth and love, and hopefully, an abundance of other things as well.
A perfect time for one to get their wisdom teeth pulled. (*sarcasm*). Admittedly, 30 hours after the removal, I do feel better than I anticipated. (Perhaps it is the three different kinds of medication they gave me..?)
I had decided to go with the IV sedation for the procedure. I thought this was to mean “going under”, and, having seen some ridiculous YouTube clips of people post-operation, I hoped my Mom would keep the camera out of my face.
They tied a rubber elastic uncomfortably tight around my forearm, and jabbed the bend of my elbow several times with the needle. Alas, it appeared my chilled arm had no veins!
A warm cloth, some arm rubbing, and a new location by my wrist, finally brought forth a vein in which I could be sedated.
But again, it was not the, “Now, count backwards from 10” or such, that I had anticipated. Some pills before the IV, and some freezing in the mouth, and they dove in, as I lay there, quite conscious.
It was quick.
It was not horrific. Or traumatic.
In, then out. With my face half full of gauze, an icepack, and a bag of medication, my Mom and I headed out of the office.

Sometimes I wonder: Does anxiety worsen with age?
I find now, seemingly in recent years, I have greater difficulty in just “accepting” whatever it is that is going to happen. I expect things. I anticipate things, and usually unpleasant things.
And perhaps, that is exactly what I was doing as I lay there, yesterday morning, with my arm being jabbed, and my leg vibrating uncontrollably. (Spasm-y leg shaking seems to be a nervous habit of mine. ) I wasn’t consciously expecting something to go terribly wrong, but perhaps somewhere deep down inside of me, something was beginning to bubble up; something awakening that old anxiety feeling…
I hate waiting.
I hate anticipating something that is not of the pleasant persuasion.
Maybe I also hate anticipating something that IS pleasant. Because, what if it is suddenly not to be?
What if my hopes are dashed, and my desires crushed?

I find lately, I have put too much thought and energy into what MIGHT be. Living for a tomorrow I was never promised; instead of the ‘now’, that I know I have.
I really feel God gave me peace this week.  Peace with the things I cannot change; peace with the happenings of right now; peace and gratitude for the blessings I have.
I don’t know if I am right or wrong in this, but I feel that Christ ‘speaks’ to us in different ways; Maybe through faint whisperings in our heart and mind; maybe through other people; maybe through signs. I feel, that for myself personally, he sometimes uses signs.
Maybe this is silly. Signs are such a tricky thing; it is much too easy to manipulate signs or pictures or circumstances, to what we want to believe…
I apologize if this is terribly vague.
However something I saw recently, a 2nd curious coincidence, had reminded me that it is good to hope, but that one should not live a life of anxiousness or dread of that hope never coming to be.
We do live for something greater. We are also given Today, and that is quite a blessing in itself, is it not?
I sit here, icepack by my side, jaw a little sore, and the chair feeling a little sideways, but I have lots to be thankful for:
~ for friends and family that love and care for me
~ for a wonderful husband
~ For a God that loves me, and provides for me, and protects me,  and answers my unspoken prayers
~ for a warm house, and a place to lay my head
~ for medication! To make this recovering easier

It’s okay that my thanksgiving dinner is limited to mashed potatoes, or that I will have to keep my paws away from the wine. Because today, I Am Blessed.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

On a somewhat-unrelated note, I think I will attempt to make this Pumpkin Pecan Pie tomorrow! ( Even though I will probably only be able to eat the filling…)
Happy Thanksgiving! 🙂

Journeying through ‘Mere Christianity’

P1050386editIt is a bumpy ( and slow!) road trying to read this ‘Mere Christianity’ book. A deep and critical way of thinking, that, as a non-educated (that is, no post secondary schooling) individual, I’m a little unaccustomed to. Maybe perhaps why, I am all the more determined to complete such a book.
Chapter 1 reveals that we think we, and others, ought to behave a particular way in particular situations, and that sometimes, we do not in fact, behave that way.
I have now finished chapters 2 and 3, in which C.S. Lewis spends most of the time making a case as to what the ‘Law of Human Nature’ – Or, the ‘Moral Law’ – is, and how it differs from things like, our instincts, or the Law of Nature.
“The Moral Law tells us the tune we have to play: our instincts are merely the keys.” ( C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity; pg.10)

“The law of gravity tells you what stones do if you drop them; but the Law of Human Nature tells you what human beings ought to do and do not. In other words, when you are dealing with humans, something else comes in above and beyond the actual facts…” ( pg. 17)

I look forward to seeing how C.S. Lewis develops his case for the Christian faith.
I may say (  or type, rather…) this repeatedly, but I know this book is not the be-all, and end-all to everything Christian. I’m just reading this book, like how I would read a college text-book; approaching openly, but cautiously; just hoping to gain a little insight, but knowing full-well that C.S. Lewis is just a man – not God.

Have you read any Christian books that are worth reading? (And are more than just a self-help book?)
(Have you read this one?)

Autumn; My Season of Reflection

I woke up this morning feeling…
Certainly not ‘glad’.
In fact, I was in quite the conflict with my body, as my abdomen throbbed, my head pounded, my nose ran, and my skin became ultra sensitive to every touch.
At least the sore throat is gone’, I thought to myself. But this did nothing to ease my other discomforts. I then became down and out about a couple other realizations;
1) This was the one weekend in which my husband had both Saturday and Sunday off; a rarity we won’t see again till school lets out around May; And
2) The Church BBQ kick off was today. Again, one of the few gatherings we could have gone to together this year, because our schedules actually worked out!
I shoved these bleak balloons from my mind, and then proceeded to procrastinate about waking up.
Then I lazily dragged myself to the shower.
And over 20 minutes later, somehow more lazily, dragged myself back out.
And perhaps at this point, you might be thinking ‘ Good grief already! So you’re sick! It happens!‘ And at this point, I wouldn’t blame you for labelling me as a whiner, and moving onward to a more interesting read.
But I’m getting there.
After a day of laziness, French toast, Facebook perusing, ice cream, and more computer puttering, I was done. I looked over at my husband fast asleep on the couch ( Oh, to have that ability!), then I looked down at my journal with its bleak and unintelligent ramblings. And I thought to myself, ‘I gotta get out of this house.’
So I awkwardly wiggled into a pair of jeans, tossed my cellphone and camera into my purse, told my groggy husband I was going out for a bit, and then I was off.
I set forth on a long, curvy, paved pathway; Across the street, over a bridge, under a bridge, to the shiny metal door of Booster Juice, nearly an hour later. (Thank goodness it was open!)
P1050372editWhat I like most about walks, is the amount of (mostly) undisturbed thinking time. The fresh air seems to help clear my foggy mind. So I contemplated life. Life right now, not just the future. I thanked God for the sunshine and fresh air; for the luxury of free time in which I could unwind.
Sipping my drink, I thought about creation. And how I ought to surround myself with it more often. I think maybe that’s what helps to refresh the soul. Creation, trees, birds singing, green grass, fresh air… Perhaps creation stirs within us, a desire to create. Inspires us.
P1050375editI thought about how I had spent my day – on the recliner with my laptop – and how certainly wise men and philosophers did not come to the conclusions they did, in regards to life, while in such a state. I think they had to have been outside, or at least near nature; Looking to the stars, the birds of the air, the trees, the sands of the shore, etc.
I contemplated other things too; like, personality. That, perhaps I am not as introverted as I had always believed myself to be…
However, that’s a post for another day.

What boosts your spirit when you’re having a blah day?